Monday, September 10, 2012

Truth The Third, Anger.

There are few things that I believe to be an absolute truth. The existence of God, the positive power of happiness, the destructive power of anger (a demon I continue to fight everyday), and the importance of being at  least a little bit crazy.  
PART 3: Anger


"A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly." -Proverbs 14:29

       Anger comes easily to me, I'm really good at it, and that has caused me nothing but problems.  Don't get me wrong anger has a purpose, and a place.  There is a type of righteous anger that can be a powerful motivator, and useful tool.  Hell even Jesus got angry, and it wasn't a bad thing  (if you don't believe me just look right here).  That is not the kind of anger I'm talking about.  I'm talking about blood pumping, profanity slinging, wall hitting, x-box controller throwing, steering wheel punching, adrenaline fueled, burning rage.  I fight it all the time, and it freaking sucks (damn Irish genetics)

      Mark Twain said it best, "Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."  I can barely begin to fully describe the feeling of anger taking complete controll of my body.  The muscles in  my arms  and legs feel as though they are on the verge of bursting into flames, my vision blurs and the edges  of my field of vision start to go white, the urge to scream is almost unbearable (I've yelled so hard in the past that I literally tasted blood), It's like every fiber of my being has one goal in mind.... destruction.  Something, or someone, needs to get the *#!$ beat out of it.  Reason,  and thought of any kind completely vanish. I go virtually deaf, no one can say anything to stop me, because I can't hear them anyway.  However that isn't even the worst of it, the aftermath is. Coming out of a fit of rage like that is almost like waking from a coma, not realizing what has happened until afterward. Only one thing remains, Shame. Just the overwhelming embarsassment I have just become, nothing but guilt, and fear of the consequences of my moronic actions.  For me, there was no worse feeling in the world.

      Happily, I haven't felt that kind of blind rage in over a decade, but it terrifies me to know that anger like that is inside me, or at least it was.  It is a feeling I can't and won't ever forget.   I have read an extreme amount about anger, I've learned to controll it, learned that forivness is more powerful than hatred.  That anger truly does have the ability to destroy lives.  Still, I have moments. That is what bothers me so much about it, I still get angry, and it burns inside (at least a little), I still have moments where I feel like I want to explode turn on the world for all of its (percieved) transgressions against me, and it doesn't do a damn bit of good.  Nothing is solved.  If anything at all is accomplished it is more along the lines of a trip to Wal-Mart to buy a new XBOX controller, and some spackle.  

    I wish I could spend this last bit telling you all my sure-fire secrets about controlling and dissiapting anger.  The fact is, there aren't any.  For me it took years of self-reflection, and counseling, and a lot of just plain growing up.  Today most people would describe me as fairly laid back, able to deal with stress better than most, and I suppose there is some truth to that, but it took work.  A LOT of freaking work, and I'm still far from being an anger-free human being.  The bottom line is, anger sucks, and if you find yourself consatantly fighting it, get help, it will destroy you ( if you're lucky).

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